"i don't think he's worked a full week in the six months he's been here. he must be using next year's days off by now."
- mary's co-worker, 6/25

"there is no 'we' without you."
- mary's co-worker, 6/26

"i told you, i don't drink."
"yeah, and the pope's jewish."
- mary's co-workers, 6/26

"wow, you're tan. are there sun lamps at the hospital now?"
- mary's co-worker, 6/26

"i know you guys missed me."
"yeah, we talked about you."
"i'm sure you didn't say anything good."
"of course not, we wait til you're here and say it all to your face."
- mary's co-workers, 6/26

"oh my god, do you remember when we tried to get menudo to play his birthday party?"
- mary's co-worker, 6/26

"you know it's my song when i shake my ass."
- alyssa @ the dog, 6/26

"my hair will go bad."
"you mean like milk?"
- stacey & alyssa, 6/26

"so i had to go to the bass outlet --"
"bass outlet? come on, i grew up around cornfields. when you say 'bass', i think 'fish'."
"yeah, so, i went to the bass outlet..."
- mary's co-workers, 7/2

"who are you?"
"i am a hero!"
- mary's co-workers, 7/3

"i'm glad you have bill pride."
- bill, 7/7

"cheese crackers! oh, this is the life."
- mary's little cousin, EJ, 7/7

"do they pay for you to go on the mission?"
"no, i have to pay to go."
"then why even go?"
"it's not for me, it's for the lord!"
"the lord should pay for your expenses."
- girl & guy at disneyland, 7/5

"one time we got drunk and decided to watch 'steel magnoilas'. that was a bad fucking idea."
- guy @ doughty show in la, 7/13

"oh man, his computer sucks."
"what's wrong with it?"
"it sucks."
- mary's co-workers, 7/16

"why do you keep making my ears hurt?"
"because i like to!"
- father with his daughter on his shoulders @ the post office, 7/19

"you've been working out? you got nothing else to do, huh?"
- mary's co-worker, 7/26

"you're a sad little man."
- mary's co-worker, 7/26

"crab racoon? oh... crab ragoon."
- mary's co-worker, 7/27

"look at marshall's order - soy sauce! i have soy sauce in my desk."
"you have soy sauce in your desk?!"
- mary's co-workers, 7/27

"hey dude, why don't you go cuddle him?"
"uh... no. anyway, i haven't shaved in awhile. i might chafe him."
- mary's co-workers, 7/27

"what is that, barbeque sauce with sour cream?"
"no... it's salsa. like that del taco salsa."
"oh, so its ketchup with peppers in it."
"well... yeah."
"it looks like barbeque sauce."
- guy and girl in break room, 7/30

(over intercom): "breakfast bakery is at the front desk."
"hey scotty, go get me a danish."
"don't you know that stuff is poisoned?"
- mary's co-workers, 8/3

"guy spunk is way messier than girl spunk."
- travis, 8/4

"who's that mouse? oh! speedy gonzalez. he's one of my favorite mice."
- alyssa @ friday's, 8/6

"i like this one because you don't have to do anything to it."
"just pierce it and let it blow up."
- mary's co-workers, 8/9

*pounding on desk*
"argh! why am i so dumb?"
- mary's co-worker, 8/10

"hey mary, are you coming to the beach tomorrow?"
"no, probably not."
"aww, but we'll be setting up the volleyball net!"
"i don't really like to play volleyball."
"i'm bringing my boogie boards!"
"i can't swim."
"ah, well. okay then."
- mary & her boss, 8/10

"i create a sense of order. i am god."
- stacey, 8/13

"see, i am god, i create order and turn on the map light!"
- stacey, 8/13

"god needs a scrungee."
- stacey, 8/13

"hey, how was 'thong day'?"
"actually, it's called 'g-string monday'."
- mary's co-workers, 8/14

"aw yeah, penis balloons!"
- guy @ target, 8/16

"i got money now! it's like i'm back in society."
- mary's co-workers 8/17

"i am the dog and big penis queen."
- jessie, 8/18

"there are a lot of hot men in here."
"did you just say 'do you want pot, dear?'"
- alyssa & travis, 8/18

"i want a guy."
"pavlovian slip!" *shakes head* "freudian slip!"
"no, i said i want a girl."
- jc & alyssa, 8/18

"you take years off my life."
"why is that?"
"because you're a pain in the ass."
- mary's co-workers, 8/20

the plain jane