From his hair, to his horrible singing, to his attitude and the cheesy roles he’s played on TV, everything points to him being creepy. The disturbing photographs of him in speedos (sometimes with a leather jacket, because speedo + leather = sexy… not!), to the weird placement of his chest hair and the inane music videos that only Germans seem to love can attest to his ultimate status of creepy.

Part of what makes him creepy is his attitude about himself. He thinks he’s so awesome! “I'm six foot four, an all-American guy, and handsome and talented as well!”. He was also quoted as saying, “Before long, I'll have my own channel - I'll be like Barney.” Now there’s a channel I would *never* request from my cable company.

I don’t understand where he gets this idea that he’s so cool. You can see it when you look at him, like he’s got some kind of internal glow that says “I’m Cool and Fabulous” when in fact he’s not. It’s akin to David Caruso’s attitude of “I’m the Greatest Actor Ever but Maybe I Should Have Stayed on NYPD Blue” kind of glow. They’re not really that great but they act like they are. Hasselhoff has convinced himself that he’s awesome, just like those cheesy guys at the bar think they are a gift from God and you cannot resist them and maybe you should just sleep with them right now. In fact, all you can think is, “Please, God, get away from me, I would not sleep with you even if you were the last man on Earth.”

It’s amazing that Hasselhoff even has a career. I don’t understand why anyone likes him, finds him talented or interesting or even likes that stuff he calls “singing”. Just watch any of his videos (I’m sure you can find them on your own) and see. The background music is bad, the videos don’t make any kind of sense at all (some even have scary dancing babies) and his vocals sound flat and annoying. His dancing is bad as well. He has no rhythm and when he moves he pretty much looks like a squirming earthworm. Maybe if you’re German you’re secretly equipped to handle ridiculous people and to find the good in them, no matter what. That’s the only way to explain why Hasselhoff is even remotely popular in Europe. The last time Hasselhoff tried to make a big comeback with his singing here in America was with a pay per view special that just happened to air when O.J. Simpon was being chased on the freeway. He hasn’t attempted to break into the American music scene since and for that I must thank O.J. Simpson.

David Hasselhoff, you must come to terms with the fact you are creepy. You are not that cool, or that handsome, or that good of an actor. Please stop deluding yourself. Stop singing, too! You are creeping me the hell out and you should quit it.