"For immediate relief of heartburn, eat one tablespoon of brown sugar. I just tried this and it works great! I used dark brown sugar, so I'm not sure if light brown sugar works just as well. This came from an herbal/natural healing book that belongs to my girlfriend."

and

"Take one teaspoon of mustard if you have heartburn or indigestion. You will immediatelly feel the acid going back in to the stomach. Do not drink anything right after you have taken the mustard. If one teaspoon doesn't do the trick, take another. It surely will. Works better than any prescription or over the counter drug."

Now, I didn't try the brown sugar trick, but I tried the mustard. Holy good god, what a freakin' awful idea. That stuff just came right back up. It was disgusting. The other thing I read was to eat a banana... but uh, we didn't have bananas! Well, after trying the Tums, Pepto Bismal, chamomile tea, baking soda + water, teaspoon of mustand... I got a little desperate. I drove out to the store (hunched over the wheel, mind you) and bought some bananas. And a little container of papaya. And a bottle of coke. (Hey, I was desperate, remember?). I ate the banana first... and poof! Pain went away. Bananas are magical! Bananas are my new friends.