 As the United States Congress debates the dubious merits of The Surge—the latest
White House solution to the crisis in Iraq—this humble reporter would like to submit
his own modest proposal to put an end to the war. Simply stated, the United States
declares Iraq to be the 51st state. Done. Kaput. Fini. Game over.
The benefits are immense and immediate. First, the Iraq problem becomes a state
problem, not a federal one, which puts even more onus on the Iraqis to solve their
own damn mess. Second, the people of Iraq will have to pay federal income tax,
which the federal government can use to fund the war. When the Iraqis see the big
bite the war is taking out of their paychecks they’ll quit that all sectarian
squabbling faster than you can say Abu Ghraib.
Once Iraq becomes the 51st state, the United States won’t have to import oil from
Iraq, because it already will be part of our country. Think of all the money we’ll
save by tapping into our own private oil well. Gasoline prices will shrink to 49
cents a gallon. Plus, cheap gas will restore the viability of the classic Detroit
gas-guzzler. Order that Hummer now.
Of course, a few issues need to be ironed out. For example, like the other 50
states, Iraq has to have a motto. Some suggestions on the table include: “Iraq.
Live free or die, infidel.” “Iraq is for Lovers of Violence” and “Iraq. The IED
State.”
Iraq also needs a state bird—the albatross quickly comes to mind—a state flower (the
poppy—no, wait, that one is reserved for Afghanistan), and a state song. Perhaps an
adaptation of a classic, i.e., The Rolling Stones’ Street Fightin’ Man or Queen’s
Another One Bites the Dust. Ultimately, however, this importance decision ought to
be a cooperative effort between talented American composers like Fred Durst working
note by note with the Mullah music council and the Baghdad Glee Club.
Statehood for Iraq also means putting more Americans to work with high-paying jobs.
Extending our interstate highway system from New York to downtown Baghdad and Basra
will create thousands of new jobs as well as a boom in the construction industry.
Can you picture the string of Stuckey’s, Howard Johnsons, Seven/Eleven Grab and
Go’s, Motel 6 and Comfort Inns as I-80 stretches from the east coast to the Persian
Gulf? It’s ok to cry.
One final issue remains: Who will be the first Iraqi governor? The obvious choice
would have been Saddam Hussein, but alas, now it’s too late. However, if the
election could be postponed until 2008, I can think of one chief executive who will
be out of work and looking. And he knows a lot about Iraq. Sort of.
* * *
Marc Simon is a freelance writer. In his sketchy past, he was a cab driver, a high school English teacher, and a member of a comedy group called the Lackzoom Acidophilus Hour that performed sketch comedy on two Pittsburgh radio stations, WYEP-FM and WURP-AM, and in clubs in the area. Currently, Marc lives outside of Boston (well, not outside, actually, in a house), writes a sports column for steelersfever.com and is working on a collection of short stories tentatively titled, "My Missouri Review Rejection Collection."
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