After watching COPS a few times, I think I have figured out what the bad boys bad boys ARE gonna do and here's the bottom line.

1. They are going to take off their shirts, that is if they aren't already not wearing one. Now I believe COPs is filmed in another climate if not century, where it is warm all year round and all men must have mustaches. However, I have not seen this many shirtless men since the New York City gay pride parade.

Why is it that no criminal on COPS ever wears a full, proper shirt? Granted I live in New York, but in the summer it gets to be about 110 degrees with 110% humidity, which would likely rival any southern climate. However, I have yet to watch the New York City news, or walk out my door into a sea of people who have chosen not to wear shirts!

2. They are going to get tasered. The cops on COPS must have been given explicit instructions when receiving their long range taser gun that they need to use it at least once a shift. In the limited episodes I have watched I have seen shirtless men of all walks of life being tasered for everythign from a parking ticket to armed robbery.

3. They will deny knowledge of any crime. When the cops of COPS roll up in their 1987 Crown victoria, stroking their mustaches and waxing poetic about past busts they will approach the door of a house full of screaming people to find a shirtless man with a crackpipe in one hand, with the other hand strangling his wife's neck, who will generally look surprised that an officer is at the door. When the officers question him about the crack pipe and the wife strangling, the criminal will deny all possibility of a crime, and honestly be shocked that a crackpipe is in his hand and be confused as to why his wife is gasping for life.

However, unlike the criminals on Law & Order, three words from a mustached officer on COPs and these criminals crack like a breakaway glass. All the officer's have to say is something along the lines of "Come on sir" and within minutes the man is telling about a rough childhood, lost job, years in rehab, a nagging wife, and moments later he will find his shirtless self sitting in the back of aforementioned Crown Vic. Still shirtless mind you, because for whatever reason they never go back in to get a shirt for the guy.

4. They will sit in the back of the police car indefinitely. Now after the fine young shirtless meth-head is placed in the back of the police car, the scene usually becomes a family reunion of police. Every police car in a 20 mile radius shows up to share war stories and point and laugh at the shirtless man in the back of the car, despite a half strangled, half dressed wife who 10 minutes ago called the police running outside screaming "I love you baby" and him accepting her apology for sending him to jail.

And then there will be a commercial for "the club", mace, and the Sloman shield.

Jen LiMarzi (www.JenLiMarzi.com) is a New York City writer and author of Fingers Crossed, Legs Uncrossed.