Many people think the monitor is actually the computer. Technically, the computer is only the rectangle looking portion of your “computer”. The monitor, keyboard, mouse, joystick, and such are just peripherals. They attach to your computer and allow you to reek havoc on documents, illegally download music files and shoot down Thomas, the nerdy guy trying to date your daughter, in a game of Aerial Wombat Patrol. When I’m done with you, you will be able to confidently stroll into your local computer store and not look like a dweeb to the pimply-faced, just made level 20 with my elf wizard-working on a virus that will delete all your hard work, teenager behind the counter.

Let’s start with the guts. No, not the guts like the bloody gore you see on Saturday morning cartoons, but the guts of a computer. Note: Please don’t try to play “operation” on your computer unless you’re comfortable with being shocked with almost dangerous levels of electricity and like others to see your nose glow red while you scream out in a sound that can only be compared to a Yoko Ono ballad. (Some of you might call this an average Saturday night.)

Your computer’s guts consist of lots of wiring, some metal boxes that hold various things that you shouldn’t pry into with a butter knife, some fans, and something called a motherboard. Normally, you’ll never want to go poking around in here. But I know some of you are the type that can’t help but poke rabid badgers with salad tongs, and will crack the case anyway. You’ve been warned.

It seems the most confusing aspect of computers is the confusion between memory and the hard drive. Don’t feel bad, I get confused as to whether to use the small fork or the shrimp fork to skewer my beanie weenies. Remember, everyone was as stupid as ice when they first sat down in front of a computer. Some just melt quicker than others. Some just leave stains on your shirt.

Think of your hard drive as being a bookshelf inside your computer, with folders and files being books that are stored on the bookshelf. That’s pretty easy, right? The size of your hard drive is given in mega-bytes and giga-bytes. (This means million and billion, respectively.) Just remember that mega is big and giga is a monster that Godzilla fought.

Think of your computer memory as the space on your desk at work, without the stapler, tape dispenser, bowl of candy, pictures of your kids, and old soda cans filled with the new forms of life NASA is trying to dig up on Mars, etc... When you open files (books from the bookcase), you lay them on your desk, covering up some of the desktop area, and thereby using up some of your memory. The bigger your desk, the more books and files you can place on it. Memory is good, and you want lots of it, if you can remember that.

The computer’s processor is what the geeky guy at the computer store tells you are the “brains” of your computer. This is true, to the extent that Cher claims to have had minor cosmetic surgery. I liken it to the engine of a car. The larger the processor mega-hertz rating, the faster the computer processes information, which in turn means the faster you can become frustrated with your computer, which in turn makes you think your computer isn’t fast enough, thereby making you buy another one. It’s the circle of life at its capitalistic best.

Now, let’s put some of these analogies together and show how a computer works. Let’s try this scenario, using my previous analogy of bookshelves and desktops. Pretend you are the processor inside your computer, (I know I told you that the processor was the engine. Now, you are the processor. Pretend you’re an engine if it helps. I like to pretend I’m Britney Spears sometimes and it seems to help. If you’re having trouble, stare at the period at the end of this sentence for 30 minutes while softly chanting, “I am a processor.”) Here we go!

You walk into your office and sit at your desk. (This is when your computer is booting up) You take books from the bookshelf and open them on your desk. (The computer is taking files from your hard drive and opening them in memory) You write on a piece of paper and put it back into the bookshelf. (The computer has taken the document you were working on and saved it to the hard drive.) You sneeze and spill coffee all over the desk. (Your computer has just crashed)

That was easy enough. If you really think about it, computers aren’t that hard to understand, unlike the TV reality show fad. Join me next issue, where I talk about computer error messages and how they relate to the dairy products, parking SUV’s and the whole Middle East thing.

I was born, raised and will probably die in Atlanta, Georgia. I'm one of 4 Atlantans still here. Everyone else fled to Sweden where they are trying to revive the whole Abba thing. I'm 40, but look 40, I'm married but look married, and I have 2 kids that I tried to sell on Ebay, but the jerks took down my ad. Bummer too, I was talking to a sheik in Iran who seemed interested. I slept through English classes, so it's kinda funny that I'm trying to do something that involves writing words. (I'll need a patient editor) I work in the IT field for a law firm, and I play computer games to relieve stress. KILL KILL KILL, DIE DIE DIE. (I don't think it helps very much).